Indirect Fighting Tactics

I liked how the book showed all the different fighting tactics. There are a couple of different tactics. Nonconfrontation, which includes humor or teasing, Direct Fighting, which shows hostility and rejects, and Indirect Fighting, which includes topic shifts, defensiveness, and evasive remarks. I think, and I am sure my husband would agree that I use indirect fighting tactics with him. I think most girls do because this kind of fighting includes a lot of attitude. The famous “Whatever” statement is infamous with me. I am learning though to more direct, not defensive, and talk out the issues then letting emotions get in the way.

Family and Life Span Issues (Chpt. 15)

Attachment styles are a significant part of our lives. They are related to how we cope with conflict, behave nonverbally, fall in love, and form satisfying relationships. There are three kinds of attachment styles. Secure, who are comfortable with intimacy and closeness, Avoidant, who do not trust others and are independent, and Anxious/ambivalent, who are fairly comfortable with closeness but are afraid of abandonment or rejection. I believe that these attachment styles are similar to babies. I learned in a class about how babies react to mothers and fathers in these types of styles. I wonder if the babies exhibit a certain kind when they are little, if it continues into adulthood?

Interpersonal Conflict (Chpt. 13)

Conflict is never a favorite of mine. In fact I am the type to shy away from conflict because it is uncomfortable for me. There are different styles of conflict. Competing style reflects a low concern for others and high concern for self. Accommodating style reflects high concern for others, low concern for self. Collaborating style is lack of concern for others and self. Withdrawing style, people avoid or withdraw from the situation. Finally the compromising style is a moderation of assertiveness and cooperation. Now I have done all of these types in my life. I used to be accommodating but after learning to stand up for myself I think I have moved to the compromising style. I tend to be the "peacemaker" of my friends, and I think compromising has a lot of advantages.

Socially appropriate behaviors (Chpt. 12)

Socially appropriate behaviors are nothing new to us. We do these everyday and it always changes in each setting. These behaviors are mannerly, courteous, and respectful behavior, versus rude, uncivilized, and ill mannered. However, these behaviors are culturally learned rules. What is expected among people and the norm of the culture makes up these appropriate behaviors. Europe has very different behaviors concerning "boundaries" with one another versus the U.S. Americans will shake hands when first meeting, in Italy you greet with giant hugs and kisses. It can be extremely impolite in social situations not to be affectionate when greeting people in Italy, even if it is uncomfortable for us because that is what is socially appropriate in those greetings.

Developing Online Relationships

Chatrooms on the Internet can be very deceiving and surprisingly addicting. The books talks about how relationships develop and escalate online. On one chatroom 61% formed a personal relationship online, most being friendships. 10% of them were romantic with 64% saying their relationships were intimate. That is amazing to me how for some it is easier to meet people online. Obviously the online dating sites have skyrocketed in the last couple of years. I had a friend who would make friends online and start talking to them on the phone, then meeting in person. We were very wary of this because it isn't very safe. Eventually she stopped because the guys she met were a little weird. If we ever are talking to a stranger online, we need to take extra precautions to stay safe and keep boundaries.

De-escalating Relationships (Chpt. 11)

There are probably thousands of books on how to books on marriage. The book made interesting statements in this chapter about factors contributing to relational dissolution and divorce. Conflict will always be in a relationship but I have heard it can be good because it brings you closer in your relationship. Well, with positive message behavior, this would be good in conflict, but negative message behavior can overtime destroy the relationship. Through negative message behavior comes flooding which leads to emotional reactions like criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and withdrawal. It is very easy to let our emotions get nasty in an argument. I am passionate about having a healthy and lasting marriage. I am reading a book called Love and Respect which talks about how to communicate in conflict and why we react the way we do by criticizing or stonewalling. Essentially women primarily need love and men primarily need respect. If we are not getting our primary need met we react in negative ways to our partner. If we can figure out how to communicate with our partner and grow in conflict, it will be priceless for the relationship!

Maintaining Relationships (Chpt. 10)

This chapter is fascinating to me because I love reading about relationships, especially romantic relationships. The different love styles and ways were really interesting to read and think about how my relationship with my husband fits. The martial typology was interesting as well. There are three primary kinds: Traditional, Separate, and Independent. From reading the definitions I know my husband and I are traditional. I took his last name, I maintain the house and cook dinner etc. Interestingly though I enjoy doing the "wifely duties. I find a certain security in this role. I much rather do the chores then be in the corporate world working 12 hour days anytime.